Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
