I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
