If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you win again, gameday.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
