The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
