God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
