Moan for me like Helen Keller
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
