I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
