Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
