I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
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So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
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He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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