Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
