i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
