First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize
