Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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