I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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