thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
