So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
