I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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