i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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