It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Randomize
