The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
