I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
