they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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