I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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