sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
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You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
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There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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