the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
