one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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