it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
