I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
