he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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