Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
