The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
