Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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