I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
