gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
