I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
