Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
