I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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