You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
