genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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