Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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