My hair reeks of homosexuality.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
