I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I have demons in me.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
