im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
