he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
