Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
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A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
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She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.