So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
