I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
