you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
