Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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