I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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