Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
