i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
