All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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