I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
