Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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