It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The air was thick with penises
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
