I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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