Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
