I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
