im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
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I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
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Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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