youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
