I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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