I puked a lego.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
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