Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
