I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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